Against Closed Eyes In Marketing

What do you do if you want to have a difficult conversation about an important workplace matter but the other person doesn’t? When you want to talk and the other person doesn’t, it may be tempting to cajole or demand. Too often, this approach has mixed success because you may be missing important subtext in your colleague’s “I don’t want to talk about it” response.

Let go of convincing, begging, whining, arm-twisting and other assorted techniques designed to tire the other person into talking about the problem with you. When you use these tactics, you add a layer of difficulty to whatever conflict you already face together. Instead, get more information about why she or he doesn’t want to have the conversation with you. Here are several common reasons and ways to address them:

Possible Reason 1: I’m Not Ready
The other person may be trying to convey a need for more time to digest the situation and get ready to talk about it. If this is the case, pressuring him into talking about a problem before he’s ready means he’s unlikely to bring his best self to the conversation. That’s not going to serve either of you well when you’re trying to talk about something that’s difficult already. Your best strategy: Find out what he needs in order to feel ready for the conversation.

Possible Reason 2: I Can’t Do This Right Now
She may have something else pressing on her agenda, or the location isn’t a good one for the conversation. The right time and place for a difficult conversation contribute to its success, so it makes a lot of sense to postpone temporarily. Your best strategy: Ask when it would be more convenient to discuss the matter and identify a mutually agreeable time and location. (If she won’t commit to a time, this may not be the real reason for avoiding the conversation and you’ll need to get more information.)

Possible Reason 3: It’s Not My Problem
He may see the problem as yours or, at least, not about him. But consider this: As long as you have a problem that’s going to weigh on you, then he also has a problem, because your problem will continue to color your interactions with him. Your best strategy: Let him know that as long as you see there’s a problem, you believe that things will be strained (uncomfortable, awkward, tense—whatever adjective is right for you) between you. So, even if he doesn’t believe the problem is his responsibility, you hope he’ll understand that time spent now will probably save time and tension later.

Possible Reason 4: It’ll Make Things Worse
She may believe the conversation’s going to be messy and fears it will do more damage than good. Difficult conversations can get messy, so don’t try to promise her this one won’t. The better use of your energy is figuring out how to address the concern about potential damage. Your best strategy: Let her know you’re willing to stop the conversation if it feels like it’s getting damaging. Suggest that you can take breaks or do the conversation in smaller pieces. Strategize together how to avoid further damage and still attend to a conversation you consider important.

Possible Reason 5: We’ve Been Through This All Before
Your colleague may believe that it’s a conversation that just won’t end and is tired of it. Some conversations do keep coming up in our important relationships and after a while, it does seem that putting more time in isn’t going to lead anywhere new. This happens when you’re solving the wrong problem or the way you’re talking about it gets in the way of work on the original problem.
Your best strategy: Discuss what it would take for this conversation to get its real due and put in the past once and for all. You may find it helpful to seek help from a mediator, counselor or conflict management coach if it’s a particularly complex or divisive issue that’s been tripping you up for a while.

Dr. Tammy Lenski guides strategic dialogue, trains and coaches individuals and organizations to create terrific work environments by transforming conflict into opportunity. Her New Hampshire-based firm, Lenski Strategic LLC has a track record of successful service to business executives, entrepreneurs, organizations, colleges and universities, court programs, families and community groups nationwide. Women around the world subscribe to Tammy’s blog, Strategic Conversations, to learn how to do conflict better at work and home.